(I started this Friday….)
Yesterday (Thursday) I went to visit my sweet patient to tell him I would not be able to visit him for a whole week because Alex and I were going on a vacation…. I told him I wanted to tell him “goodbye” before our vacation and that I would miss him so much but would be back to see him as soon as Alex and I returned. Note: He has been in an “unresponsive and almost coma type state since this past weekend but managed to smile when I said my name and when I told him about our vacation :)
Little did I know he was planning a vacation of his own……
This morning on my way to work I got an email “Call me when you can”- I knew exactly what that meant. It was Dorothy- my old supervisor, I immediately called with "Tell me everything is ok” only to hear “Jennifer…. he passed this morning”- you can imagine my response. I have rehearsed in my head what that news would be like on so many occasions in the past when I feared his impending death the most. Unfortunately it was always almost to much to handle and I would immediately make my mind change the subject. For a while I was not able to say his name without crying…. I dreaded my car rides home alone from school at night because all i would think about was him yet I think of all the times Alex and I would be together and that was still all i could think about. On the way to a friends house, dinner or to run errands etc. and if the thought of him sitting in the hospital another day alone entered my head I would cry- (you can imagine how many times this left us sitting in the car to clean myself up :)
Well like any typical man Alex originally would instantly get frustrated and decide I needed another job, I didn’t need to work with dying people, I didn’t need to not get so attached. He wanted to fix, he wanted me to not be hurting so much. All of the days I came home from work or left a visit at the nursing home with him only to call Alex at work in tears. However, Alex eventually came to realize as I had, that this man needed someone to love him and he needed it more than anyone I have ever met.
I hated the hurting too but I had made a promise to myself when I first realized I was falling in love with him-which was about a month after meeting him and finding out how special he was -that I would get hurt in the end and if that was the worst that could happen it was worth it. I decided to love him anyway and to be okay with the hurt that was inevitable. If the consistency and love I could give him may help him in the smallest way, shape or form then the pain would all be worth it. Today, I cried the day away after getting that phone call and I think back to that promise I made to myself only to realize I was right-
This hurt I have is totally worth what me and him gained over the last 6 months of our lives.
So yes, the other love in my life passed this morning. But only after I told him goodbye and he met his family after we had searched for 6 months. Yup, they were found 5 days before he died. He had been away from them for 28 years with no contact. Unfortunately, they saw him at his most painful state but at least they saw him, at least they came (I have to say I feared the worst if we ever did find them). I’m so glad he that he got the chance to see them and know that they do still love him even though he had kept his distance for his own reasons over the last 28 years. I may never know exactly what his reasons were but I trust he did what was best for him.
So if you are ever question letting yourself love someone who you know is dying sooner as oppose to later- love them anyway. Yes it will hurt and the harder you love the harder you will hurt but love them hard, very hard.
I’m so glad I did.
I’m so thankful he chose to take a vacation a day before Alex and I did….I had decided Thursday when I last saw him that I really would be okay with him going now. He had lost absolutely ALL quality of life at that point. It was painful for me to even hold his hand (the picture was taken a week before our last visit when he was able to communicate by writing on a pad of paper). He needed a vacation from his pain, from his worries, his fears, the inability to eat and from that awful bed he has been in for the past 6 months. I hope he is enjoying a wonderful giant McDonalds Cheeseburger right now, which he often asked for in the middle/beginning of his hospitalization but was unable to swallow it….
So I guess we are all going on a vacation, even though I didn’t think I “needed” a vacation when I booked this trip it kind of worked out for the best- because I certainly need one now and can I know I can truly enjoy it knowing my patient and friend is no longer in pain. I can be at peace on my vacation knowing he is finally at PEACE.
On that note: Alex and I are on our way to Port canaveral now to leave for our 8 day CRUISE! I’m so excited and know we will have a great time- we stop in Nassau, St. Thomas and St. Martin! I’m so disappointed I will miss his funeral but I assume he had it all planned out this way, for us to take our “vacation” together.
He always told me I was his guardian angel and was sent to him for a reason although he did not believe in much else.
Now it’s your turn to be my guardian angel sweetie.
I love you and I will miss our visits together so much, I loved our long talks and promise to use all of your advice, to have family close and to do what I love, oh and yes I promise to use your Tucker and Milly parenting advice- not making any guarantees though! :)
You are missed with all of my heart!!
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