Baby girl, how is it we have already been together a year!? Honestly? I have never been great at math but it just doesn’t make sense.
Last year, as I was waiting to met you and counting down to your due date it seemed like February would never get here…. it finally came and then it was another dreadful 8 days until I could meet you. Those were the absolute longest days of my life. This year it was the complete opposite- this year it came and slapped me in the face. Literally, and here I am scrambling to pick up the pieces and finish planning your party- but that’s another story! Whew!
I would always take you out shopping, to lunch or to the grocery when you were teeny tiny and everyone would come up to me to tell me how fast “it” goes by…. Sadly, I knew they were right, I had heard these words so often by so many other mamas and it left me with an incredible amount of fear. I didn’t want you to grow up. I wanted our story to be different, I wanted you to stay my baby forever, I wanted us to last forever, inseparable like we are now.
I had waited my whole life to have a baby and not just any baby, I had waited to have you. I remember wanting you at 18 years old but thinking, “no then she won’t even be a baby anymore by the time I’m 21”. At 22 your daddy and I were married and I thought “I could have her now, but by the time I finish grad school she will be all grown up” (you can tell how much i emphasize the baby part when picturing it- grown at 3?!).
Either way, I wanted to enjoy you every second of every day and prolonging that happiness seemed like a way to enjoy you longer.
In a way, living in the anticipation of you was like enjoying you for a bit longer!
Mamas crazy Lola.
BUT now you know why I’m still pinching myself that your here.
This fear, of you growing up too fast, if you have to have one, is a pretty good one. From when you wake up to when you go to bed I live and breath cherishing moments with you and making our moments count, for both of us. Who knew there would be so much pleasure in a trip to the grocery or even to the mailbox!
I remember when I used to nanny for Ana, I assumed everyone thought our relationship screamed “Oh she’s just the nanny, look how happy they are together”. I agreed… I thought real moms didn’t have that much fun with their kids and a lot of taking them out in public was a hassle. They had them day in and day out so if they go to the store they go to the store get things done and go home…. never did “real parents” stop in the middle of isle 6 for a tickle attack!
Maybe that comes with kid two or three but honestly Lola, you are the most fun adventure I could ever have!
In high school people always asked me what I loved most about your daddy. I remember the best way of explaining it was “we could be in an empty, dark room together and he would make sure we had fun”. Your kind of like that…. everything is an adventure with you and everything is a memorable experience.
No wonder I’m in love with you.
I tell people all the time now “geez, I wish you had met me before I had Lola, I was way better at …..(fill in the blank- life etc)”.
Ok so maybe much of that is a cop out but much of it is actually true. Baby girl, when you came into this world you gave your mama a pair of blinders like no other and often times i see nothing but you! When i drive home after work all i think of is getting to you, when I’m with you all i think of is being with you tomorrow, when you sleep i think of when you will wake up.
So yes, we are a dangerous cocktail baby girl, your slightly consuming and I’m slightly…. ok overly, obsessive ( I think we almost broke snapchat this year from over-use and I am still shocked we have any friends left on Instagram and Facebook). ;)
So yes, i had a life before you and I was a pretty okay person, I used to bake for my work weekly, never go to bed before the dishes were put away, make my bed before work, catch up on laundry before Friday, rsvp to stuff- hell rsvp at all, know what’s going on in Parenthood or Law and Order… ok really most tv shows that are longer than 30 minutes (which i still can get down to 20 when i fast forward through the commercials), I sent things out on time ( the first of this month I found 3 Christmas cards i forgot to send out and your entire first year of life, up until last year, i drove with an expired license…. um, who has time to sit at a dmv when their baby is at home!?!
So apologies to those of you who have met me post Lola. To those of you who met me prior… apologies for being MIA, i held out hope until about 6 months thinking I would get back to the old functioning me… turns out this is the new functioning me… Lola is fed and happy and hell some days i even shower so you know what this is our new baseline… I know mamas, i know, I’ll try not to set the bar too high ;)
Yesterday you reached out your arms for me to pick you up after eating and although it is something you do daily it hit me! We need each other and we have grown to need each other everyday for different things…. last year you were in my belly for the very last time, I kept you safe and gave you nutrients. I read to you and talked with you about everything i would teach you. You knew all my secrets and all my fears that crept out in the middle of the night when we would sneak out of bed and into your nursery so mommy could dream of your arrival.
Alex often reminds me when you reach for me or cuddle me that we have the most special relationship of all. I am your security and your safety. I am your medicine on days you don’t feel good. I am your comfort and your consistency. I never knew I could be all of those things for you, I never knew that when you became a mama you innately became all of these things to your child.
They will never stop needing you even thought their needs may change over time. Just as you need me I need you Lola, so very much. Today and most days I get a tightness in my chest and my body seeps into a sweat about 45 minutes before packing up my work to come home. I honestly believe it’s my body’s way of saying “I need you” and It’s my hearts way of saying “we need each other” and who can argue with that.
In a very special way, we are each others medicine.
I knew you would be the best thing that ever happened to me but I had NO idea how good, good could be.
It’s as if my life started the day I gave you life and I thank you so very much for that Lola. This past year has been the absolute most eye opening year ever imaginable. You couldn’t have told me what it meant to raise a baby or to be a mama if I got a phd in parenting… I guess you just have to live it.
Thank you for allowing me to live it Lola, thank you for letting me be your mama and thank you for most days (that came after 8 weeks) for making it super enjoyable.
This birthday and every birthday you are guaranteed to be the best present of all for me and your daddy. Toay I heard your daddy say “Oh Lola you don’t even know how we do birthdays in this house yet”.
Yes baby, get ready, we do it BIG and its all about you!!
As important as tomorrow is for us as we celebrate your first birthday….. I hope you always know that as long as we have each other I plan to celebrate your life everyday. If I teach you nothing else in life about love and finding your way in this world. Please learn the importance of how very special and unique you are and that celebrating you and finding others who celebrate you in life is the absolute most important thing in the world!
You have given me something in life I could never do or create for myself. You have arrived, you have hung your flag and I am all yours baby girl. My heart may never be the same again in the best way possible.
You are the best thing.
Happy First Birthday Sweet Lola!
Love always baby girl,
Mama
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