So This Is What It Feels Like?

Well in that case, I love it!!

(*Warning- few pictures and a lot of mouth)

Today I got my hair done, met this cutie below for lunch, got my toes done with Ali and found a dress for graduation!

That’s Lou’s building on the right- his office is at the top :)

The grounds at his place are gorgeous, so we took advantage of that and the sunshine and enjoyed a walk together after our lunch date!

Now we are all packed up and on the way to my parents house to drop off the pups and heading out to Hilton Head bright and early in the morning (after seeing Adam)!

If I was on my “Happy High” last weekend, I’m scared to know what is in store for me this weekend- especially when adding Renee and Stephanie to the mix!!

Needless to say I have been so excited since Wednesday at about 4:30…. everything was done, turned in and completed!!

Ahhhhhh- serenity.‘

Especially after downing some Blue Moons ( ew- not me), Rum and Cokes (that would be me) and pizza!

-We missed you Shannon but you were being an over achiever working on your next accomplishment before graduation!!-

We were some happy kids though!

Left to right-

Ali (works with special needs adoptions), Karen (child advocacy center- sexually abused kids) and Eric (LOVES the elderly and works in a hospice)

I always find it so interesting how we are all so similar but have such specific interest- so i thought i would share them. Then of course you have me with a crazy passion for chronic and terminally ill children :)

All I cant think is “Wow” I have wanted this since I was probably about 8 years old…. and now it’s here and it’s mine- I did it!

I never knew there was so much out there that I didn’t know!  I remember at the end of last year I wrote about how much I had learned and looking back at that I am still blown away by how much more I didn’t know I had to learn….

I can only imagine how this post will seem after a few more years in the field….

I can’t begin to describe this year at Grady without thinking low “SES”, homelessness and most importantly HIV.

I honestly believe I will never forget many of my patients names, faces, struggles, loneliness,  stories, awful procedures they endured, repeated bad news and most of all their kind hearts.

This was my first social work experience of working with adult men, prisoners and infectious disease- quite an experience.

They sure had a lot to teach my ignorant little soul and helped me understand their lives and issues they faced way better than any book could have attempted to do. I decided it was only right that I work just as hard for them and in favor of them and there lies my passion- Advocating and giving the most vulnerable of patients a voice.

This is when my miserable days at Grady started to feel more like home- I was able to find my passion again in working with chronic and terminally ill patients. I always knew I had a mama bear in me (it often shows with Lou, especially if I dare start to feel he is being mistreated) but wow, I did not know how vicious this mama bear could be until I felt my patients were not being treated correctly. I think I shocked quite a few to say the least by how my smiles and greetings could quickly turn when someone disrespected a patient of mine- actually anyone's patient.

I soon became proud of it because I knew this was exactly what most of them needed. Very seldom did I ever meet a family member of my patients and sadly on many occasions some were unable to give one single emergency contact. I decided they needed someone to have their back, at least while they were in such a vulnerable state and scary place.

I could do that and I could be good at it which was important because at times I felt that was all I had linking me to old  Grady.

I think it’s human nature to want to do what your good at. I went into social work because I thought I was good at working with patients. However, I had only worked with children and never knew what all entailed the actual role of a “hospital social worker”. Wow, was I in for a surprise. When I first got to Grady I could not find one thing that I was good at for the life of me, everywhere I looked I failed it felt like.

My boss was usually quick to point this out and was not fond of compliments but she did give me one regarding my first day- a few months after my first day. She said that she couldn’t believe how well I handled a patient.

This was a very disappointing compliment to me.

Originally, in my mind that was actually not a compliment because I did not feel like it was something I learned and achieved or that was even a choice I was making to do. It was just what you do. I wanted to be good at the “hard stuff” that she was teaching me but instead I felt like I was horrible and failing at all the hard stuff. The discharge planning, coordinating prescriptions with doctors and pharmacists for a patient who has no money, getting one patient to the pharmacy, social security office and Travelers Aid office all via a bus when I have never used public transportation in my life (yeah that was fun), getting patients out and into shelters by a certain time and feeling like it’s your fault if they end up on the street tonight because you didn’t get it done fast enough.

That’s the “hard stuff” and that was the stuff I NEEDED to be good at. It doesn’t take anything to be nice, empathetic and respectful to patients so why would my boss compliment that. Yet to her this was apparently amazing- to me it was only shocking that someone wouldn’t do these things.

I think I get it now though and it may just be the greatest compliment ever. Eventually I pulled through and learned the “hard stuff” but when I look back and think of what I really hope to remember from this year it’s not the “hard stuff”.

I hope that no matter how burned out I get I can look back at this and remember these few things:

JEN,

- You truly enjoy working with the homeless population and I hope you never forget that every homeless person has a story, they have a mom and a dad, they came from somewhere, their body feels pain, disappointment, embarrassment and heartbreak just as you do.

- You are happiest when working with the saddest scenario of patients they have a way of inspiring you to do better.

-  When working with people who have had disappointment after disappointment their entire life; you have the ability to change it all around by following through with one thing for them and in turn it makes them want to do better for themselves!

- Everyone is scared of something and after finding out what that something is- you can work and grow together much easier.

- HIV comes with a large amount of secrets, stigma and betrayal- don’t assume anything.

- People who seem impossible to get along with have more than likely had a pretty horrendous life that led them to be that way- so be nice to them anyway. Extra nice.

- Lastly, you never know when your going to meet another patient like the one you are so fond of right now. He has the heart of gold and taught you everything you need to know about what it means to be kind, unselfish, how trust is built, what true strength is, loyalty, how to smile when you can’t move a limb, loving other human beings, the value of family even though his family abandoned him. Most of all I learned how scary and lonely it can be to lose your body before your mind only to learn your dying and then lose your mind yet still have the capability to understand you are now losing your mind. From this he will teach you about the things in life that matter, which will fascinate you.

Let’s just say I’m glad I hung in there!

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Sorry if you are bored to death or got lost in there, it was quite therapeutic for me and I feel better now :)